Deep Thought #2: Why Your Kid Isn't Playing More

“Why isn’t my kid playing more?”

That question might be even more common than “Do they have what it takes?” And I get it — it’s tough to watch your child work hard and still sit the bench more than you think they should. Not to mention, you paid a bunch of money (especially on club teams) to have them play, maybe even more to get into the gym or park in the parking lot. So you're already amped up before the game even starts. Then little Timmy is sitting on the bench for a lot longer than you'd like. I've been there as a parent, and I understand it as a coach.

Look, sometimes it may just be a mistake by the coach. The games can be tough to coach, they're fast, and before you know it you forget to get substitutes in the game on time. If it's a one off, maybe it was that.

But there’s some realities that most people don’t want to admit or confront. And this should probably be a series of deep thoughts to explore more fully... but lets tackle the first reality: maybe your kid isn't earning the playing time.

This isn’t high school varsity or college scholarship season. In youth sports — especially K through 8th grade — coaches are balancing way more than just skill:

• Do they know the plays?

• Did they come to practice? Are they consistent in practice?

• Are they aggressive? (In basketball this means - rebounds and steals)

• Do they follow directions?

• Do they work well with teammates?

• Are they healthy and recovered this week?

• Are they developing, not just producing?
  

And yeah — sometimes it’s just math. You’ve got 8 or more players, a 36-minute game, and only so many minutes to go around.

Production ≠ Readiness

Here’s something parents often confuse: a kid who can hit three 3s in a row in practice isn’t always the kid who should be playing crunch time. Coaches think in terms of reliability, not just talent.

The hardest decisions I’ve had to make weren’t about who was “best.” They were about what was right for the team at that moment — for growth, for chemistry, for trust. It’s never personal, but it is strategic.

What Coaches Won’t Say (But I Will)

Sometimes, a kid’s lack of playing time has to do with talent, other times it has everything to do with:

• Effort in practice

• Negative body language

• Attitude toward teammates

• Parent behavior (yes, it happens)

But coaches won’t always bring that up because they don’t want confrontation. I will — because the best way to grow is to face the full picture.

What You Can Do as a Parent

• Ask the right question: Not “Why aren’t they playing more?” but “What do they need to do to earn more minutes?”

• Focus on the long-term: One season’s minutes don’t define your child’s path. Especially when your child is elementary and middle school. 

• Model resilience: How you respond teaches your child how to handle disappointment. Use the lack of playing time as an opportunity to build better habits for your child, and implore them to earn more time on the court/field.

Final Thought

It’s never easy. I’ve benched kids I love. I’ve played kids who struggled, but needed the reps. And I’ve watched kids bloom after they went through a hard stretch of less playing time.

So no — playing time isn’t always a talent contest. It’s a developmental puzzle. And if we treat it that way, we’re all better coaches, better teammates, and better parents for it.